Didn't open with Damon in a shower or a towel so already it's not as good as last week...but back to subject at hand.
Bonnie's still having her nightmares re: the Klaus coffins. This time she's walking through the graveyard looking at the headstones of her witch relatives until she 'wakes up' in a coffin buried alive. She tries spells, but they don't work, however, someone saves her at the last moment...who is it? Thankfully, it's only a dream. But she decides to reveal it to Elena, everything, including the secret coffins. She shows her the one that cannot be opened. Elena is less than pleased that they have all been keeping this secret from her. Stefan arrives and is really bitchy about Bonnie's reveal. But she tells him that she can find a way to open the coffin and that requires Elena's assistance. Bonnie's mother.
THE VAMPIRE DIARIES (I can't do the dramatic title reveal as they can...)
Elena and Bonnie dig in to finding Bonnie's mom, Abby. The process is weird as Abby abandoned Bonnie when she was little to be raised by her 'Grams.' Damon arrives and he has found Abby for them, thanks to some compulsion. But hey, ROAD TRIP! Elena quickly rebuts the idea of Damon going with them. "But I found her," Damon whines. Banter, flirting, prolonged stares, yada yada yada, Bonnie calls them out on it and Damon confesses "we kissed...now it's weird...have fun." So sexy...
Caroline arrives home and Tyler is waiting in her living room with an apology. She protests but he tells her he needs to do something desperate to get out from underneath the sire bond. So desperate, in fact, that he called Caroline's Dad to help him. Daddy Dearest will do anything to protect Caroline so he's here to help. Caroline is intrigued.
Alaric and Dr. Fell are at the bar all flirty girty and Alaric finally formally asks her out on a date before she has to head back to the hospital. Damon arrives inquiring about Alaric's new interest and is immediately suspicious. Alaric innocently tells her that the only red flag he got was from her ex, the medical examiner, that Dr. Fell can be a tad bit psycho. Maybe it's a big red flag as Damon tells him that the medical examiner has been found murdered...with a stake through his heart.
Stefan arrives him with his own guest waiting in the living room, Klaus. He's not exactly there to apologize though. Turns out he's a little tired of the stalemate game. He got rid of the hybrids, time for Stefan to deliver too. But Stefan wants Klaus to leave town and then after a few years, they'll negotiate. Klaus is a little tired of his threats and ask if he's happy being all crazy and shit with no friends. Nerve?
On the road trip, Bonnie wonders what will happen with her mom but doesn't feel like chatting about it. So she asks what happened with Damon. Elena doesn't want to discuss but does let it be known that it wasn't horrible. Really, Elena? Stefan stalks them via phone and Elena pretty much tell him to leave them alone so Bonnie can have a private reunion with her Mom. Yeah, that'll happen. Stefan is in Elena's house and finds the print out that Damon brought revealing Abby's whereabouts.
Klaus checks in with a hybrid minion who he has sent to Abby's house prior to Bonnie and Elena's arrival.
When Elena and Bonnie arrive, they are greeted by Jamie (with the big blue eyes) and he is Abby's 'surrogate' son. He realizes who she is and invites her in. Bonnie is a tad bit jealous that Abby put all her efforts into raising a kid that wasn't hers and abandoned one that was. When Abby arrives home, she's a little surprised to see her estranged daughter. Abby makes them food and let's Elena know that she and Elena's mom was her best friend. She left after Michael came to Mystic Falls looking for Elena the doppleganger. Abby was the one who encrypted him in the tomb to save Elena. She lost her magic after that and left town. Bonnie is less than impressed and said she was still a coward for leaving her family to go raise someone else's child. Elena not enjoying the awkwardness goes outside and finds Stefan has arrived.
Caroline's Dad chains up Tyler and informs him in order to break the sire bond, Tyler has to willfully change into a werewolf. Tyler doesn't think he can but Daddy informs him that he has to get his free will back so that he'll owe Klaus nothing. Since he's a hybrid now, he doesn't need a full moon to do it. Tyler is skeptical since when he turns, he literally breaks every bone in his body. However, it's his only chance to break the bond so he agrees. It is a horribly painful process but he begins it. Caroline can't stand it and Tyler tells her to leave so she doesn't have to watch. Daddy tortures him until he gets angry enough to change because either he turns or he'll kill him. It's his only chance with Caroline. Tyler takes the bait and begins the change. But this time, he's stronger and breaks the chains. The hybrid blood has made him way stronger than the last time he changed.
Damon pays a visit to the hospital to grill Dr. Fell. He's being all protective and asks Dr. Fell about the medical examiner cover-up. She assures him she didn't kill the medical examiner and is still puzzled by Alaric's super human recovery abilities. As Damon goes to leave, she shoots him up with vervane and takes some of his blood.
Bonnie asks Abby flat out why she didn't come home. Abby wanted a chance at a real life to be Abby the person, not Abby the witch. She ran and she's sorry and at least she had Grams because she's a better person. Bonnie realizes she didn't know Grams died and breaks the news to her. Abby is heartbroken but complimented her on how well she raised Bonnie. She asks Bonnie why she's there and she tells Abby she needs her help with something but since she has no magic, it's useless. Abby still asks what she can do.
Stefan, being a little bitch, chastises Elena for not informing him of their discovery. Jamie arrives to help out and Elena encourages him to leave. Jamie has no desire to leave (Seriously great eyes) so Stefan compels him to go away. Jamie pulls a shot gun on him and tells Stefan he's not supposed to be there. Stefan realizes Jamie has been compelled and Jamie shoots Stefan with a wooden stake near his heart.
Damon informs Alaric that Meredith not only vervaned him, but then blood-jacked him. Alaric doesn't understand why Damon is checking up on her for him and Damon wanted to formally diagnose Meredith as a psycho. You're welcome.
Jamie ties up Elena as Stefan suffers and Abby calls for Jamie as she's carrying an unconscious Bonnie. Apparently she was compelled too. Abby meets up with Klaus' minion and tells him Bonnie did not reveal where the coffins are and she won't. Bonnie awakens from consciousness. Abby begs her to reveal the location while showing her a secret text to warn her friends that Klaus has compelled them. Elena sweet talks Jamie and Jamie reveals that he has no idea why he's doing what he's doing but he can't stop. He has been compelled that if Abby doesn't find the location of the coffins, he will kill himself. But he is not to hurt Elena. Elena tells him that being tied up IS hurting her. (Nice technicality move, Elena). Jamie unties her and she knocks him out. She goes to Stefan and he tells her to please get the pieces of the stake out of his body to ease the pain. Elena helps.
Damon arrives at the coffin site and Klaus is there. He has found the coffins. The witches hurt him since he insulted them. Damon laughs. Klaus states that the witches should be careful as he has Abby and Bonnie currently. The witches lay off and the witches reveal 3 out of the 4 coffins. They refuse to show him the 4th. Damon informs him that they can't show him the 4th since Bonnie gave him the heads up and Damon had time to move at least one...the most important one. Klaus is displeased and threatens Damon. Damon isn't scared since he knows Klaus wants the coffin way more than he wants Damon dead.
Alaric confronts Meredith about what she did to Damon. He tells her Damon ingests vervane daily to build up an immunity so he woke up pretty soon. They see Bill Forbes (Caroline's Dad) admitted to the hospital. He's not going to make it so Meredith injects him with Damon's blood. She confesses her big secret to Alaric. She cheats as a doctor and uses vampire blood to save her patients.
Elena removes the last piece of wood from Stefan. He remarks at how she's changed and she's much tougher than she used to be. She tells him that he's not the only one that changed. In the spirit of the moment, she feels the urge to confess that she and Damon kissed. And surprisingly, Stefan reacts. He's speechless, a reaction she was not expecting. He walks away from her without a word. She never lets anything just go and begs him to say something. Another unexpected reaction, he genuinely apologizes for kidnapping her. But he really doesn't want her to lie to him especially today with Bonnie's mom because that put everyone in danger. He looks genuinely saddened that Klaus was right, he has nothing left. She tells him she didn't plan on kissing Damon. He responds, "You're better than him, Elena. You're better than both of us." He drives away.
Bonnie informs Abby that Jamie is safe. She doesn't understand why she's willing to do so much for Jamie and not for her. Abby tells her that she will do anything to help her. Bonnie doesn't trust her and she has no magic so it doesn't matter. But Abby tells her that there may be a way for her to get her magic back. She doesn't necessarily want it, but if Bonnie needs it, she'll do it.
At the hospital, Tyler visits Bill and is glad he's okay. He's thrilled that he changed and broke the sire bond. But Bill tells him he's only done it once and he has to do it until it's painless so he has a long way to go. Tyler can't do it, but Bill threatens him that unless he has his free will back, he's not going near Caroline.
Alaric reveals to Meredith that he's a vampire and has his 'immortal' ring which is how he survived the car accident. They go to kiss and Elena walks in. Cock block much? Meredith leaves and Alaric apologizes to Elena for hitting on Meredith in Jenna's house. But Elena tells him that he became family as soon as he decided to stay to take care of them and she is glad that he's moving on as it is time for them all to do so.
Stefan arrives home to see Damon and figures out that Damon succeeded in hiding at least one of the coffins. Damon asks if Elena's okay and Stefan decks him. Damon assumes he and Elena must've had a 'heart to heart' where she revealed their kiss. Damon, wisely changes the subject and shows Stefan the dagger. "What'd you do," Stefan asks.
Klaus, helped by his minion, arranges the coffins in his home happy to have his family back but he still has his mission in front of him. Minion asks what the next step is but he's staked through the back. ELIJAH!!!!!!!!!!!! (Yes, I squealed like a little girl when I saw him). And Elijah asks the question "What'd I miss?" Oh Elijah, I'd get comfortable if you want to hear that story.
Simultaneously, Phil, Gloria and Mitchell are reading "the Weekly Saver" and are terrified that Claire may see what was written about her being a candidate that is "angry and unlikable." I mean it's a busy day, wedding that night and an afternoon debate for the Council elections. But Phil can't save it, Claire finds it. Her kids aren't that helpful as they all give her examples of when she's angry and unlikable. Phil and Alex plan a mock debate so they can help her seem more likable.
Over at Cam and Mitchell's they're excited because Lily's flower girl dress arrives. They are disgusted by the tackiness of the fabric, since she'll look like Little Bo Peep but even worse...it lights up; but Lily loves it. However, they put that aside and decide to train her to walk down the aisle throwing the rose petals.
Jay arrives home and is dismayed that dog Stella doesn't greet him at the door. He sees her in the pool and thinks she's drowning so he jumps in and saves her. Manny takes the blame as he gets caught up in his couponing. Jay suggests swimming lessons for the dog but Gloria suggests maybe teaching her to not jump in the pool. Stella jumps right back in and Jay right after her.
At the mock debate at the Dunphy house, the Dunphys are tearing Claire's every little idiosyncrasies apart. Eye rolling, pursed lips, face touching, pointing, hands on hips as well as sarcasm are just some of Claire's faults. Alex asks her the first question asking her why she's running for office but Claire can't get through it. The kids and Phil heckle and criticize her which brings her to the brink of insanity especially them arguing over which was the worse side of her face. (Can Phil Dunphy run for public office? Please?!?!?)
Lily's flower girl rehearsal is going well and Daddys are totally proud until out of nowhere Lily drops the F Bomb. Mitchell is horrified and Cam bursts into giggles and runs out of the room. Cameron has two weaknesses, children cursing and old people rapping. They differ on how to deal with it but she repeats it again and Cam runs from the room laughing again.
At the town hall, Claire is scared because the debate is televised. Luke tells her to do something crazy and stupid so that it'll go viral. Alex encourages her and tells her she's a strong woman and to not be intimidated by the men in the room. Jay, Gloria, Manny and Stella are there to support. Stella's presence confuses everyone but Jay thinks she's suicidal. Councilman Dwayne Bayley (Mr. Tobias Funke himself) overhears their conversation and agrees that doggy suicide is a real thing. "It's just the mainstream media doesn't report on it because it's not as sexy as feline AIDS." Mr. Bayley thinks Stella can sense Gloria doesn't like her.
Cam and Mitchell try to find the public access channel with Claire's debate on it. Lily comes in to watch it with them and they decide to talk to her about the F bomb. They tell her it's a bad word but she doesn't understand because it makes Daddy Cam laugh. Mitch threatens to take away all her toys. They worry that she'll say it at the wedding. Cam suggests that they say that they refuse to go to anymore weddings until the gays can get married but Mitchell scoffs "Okay, now we're political. We leave town on Gay Pride weekend because we don't like the traffic."
At the debate, Claire holds her own taking all the notes that her family gave her. Her family is proud. Then it goes for a dirty turn and Mr. Bayley brings up Phil's lude behavior at the hotel on Valentine's Day. The police report tells how he broke into a stranger's room, stripped naked and posed provocatively on the bed. Claire explains the misunderstanding to the horror of her family. Cam and Mitchell watch in horror from home and claim this is their new favorite show. Claire gets nervous and reverts back to all of her bad habits as the audience starts to heckle her. Phil tries to defend her but he just makes the situation way worse. The worst part (or the best part for us) is that they go viral...and audio-tuned! (Please watch the auto tune version...it's genius).
Gloria is ready for the wedding but the boys are taking forever. She hears Stella once again outside and she's on the edge of the pool. She tries to talk her down off the ledge but Stella jumps. So Gloria jumps awkwardly in the pool to save her. (Gotta give Sofia Vergara credit. She is beautiful, but she's not afraid to get ugly). Jay is touched that Gloria saved her and orders Manny to get her a towel. Jay immediately dries off the dog.
At the wedding, Mitchell and Cam pretend unsuccessfully that they didn't see the debate. Phil admits it was a train wreck and Mitch tells her it was phenomenal television. They all marvel at Lily's dress but she's been placed on verbal lock down and Mitch reveals that she's been dropping the F Bomb.
Lily walks down the aisle successfully as they all marvel at her. Cam begins to cry as he always does at weddings. Lily doesn't like to see Daddy cry so she repeatedly yells the F Bomb. The entire family laughs hysterically.
Jay fits Stella with a life jacket so she doesn't drown. They find her favorite toy in the filter and realize she has just been trying to retrieve it not commit suicide. Gloria wants to kill him.
Seriously, watch the auto tune video.
We begin right where we left off last week when we found out that Charlotte is really Emily's half-sister and not the daughter of Conrad Grayson. Emily shares her discovery with her only ally, Nolan. They're both not 100% convinced though since her dad only shared this information with Treadwell and didn't put it in his journals. Plan goes in motion. Emily needs to collect DNA from Charlotte for confirmation and also has to frame 'Fauxmanda' for setting Treadwell's house on fire. Nolan asks if she's getting rid if 'Fauxmanda' to protect Jack which she partially is since Jack is in love with her. Nolan points out that Jack thinks he's in love with 'her and also, Daniel is in love with her. Such problems, Emily...we can ALL relate. But her feelings are irrelevant to the task at hand and warns Nolan not to judge her.
Daniel meets with Victoria's divorce attorney and gives the dirt on Conrad and tips them off to the SEC investigations. Victoria is grateful since she will get what's hers and he won't have to propose to Emily. But guess what? He's still gonna propose so get over it, Victoria.
Emily goes to see Jack and 'Fauxmanda' since they have returned from their trip to Atlantic City. Emily retrieves 'Fauxmanda' for breakfast to fill her in on Treadwell's house burning. Emily tells her that Victoria is the suspect but warns her that Victoria is after her so she needs to head out of town before Victoria pins it on her or worse, Jack. 'Fauxmanda isn't scared and refuses to bug. There goes your last chance, sweetie.
Declan arrives at the Inn to have breakfast with Charlotte and her Dad. Conrad reveals that he would like to help him and offers him a chance to go to private school with Charlotte on Conrad's dime if he keeps his grades up. He's appreciative for being Charlotte's support system and this is his thank you. A package is delivered to Conrad, a flash drive that asks him to open it in private so he ignores Declan's thank you's.
At the mediation, the divorce attorneys go at it, legal jargon yada yada yada. Bombshell, Conrad reveals the video where David says that Charlotte isn't Conrad's daughter who was named after David's favorite Aunt. They order a paternity test and if Charlotte isn't Conrad's he will DESTROY her and take the Grayson name from her. Cue dramatic music and title sequence!
Victoria's attorney is PISSED! She immediately suspects 'Fauxmanda' of burning Treadwell's house down and sabotaging her. She instructs Ashley her party planner/slave to get Fauxmanda to the house for tea immediately. Conrad pays Charlotte a visit and finds her hairbrush which he takes some hair for DNA. (Am I the only person in the world who cleans out my hairbrush?)
At Fauxmanda/Jack's place, Emily places setup evidence. She finds a love note between Fauxmanda and Jack and gets jealous. Jack is home though and they chat. He tells her she was summoned to the Graysons for tea and Emily inquires to the seriousness of their relationship. He loves her and Emily warns him to be careful...you know, because there's a 'storm' coming in quickly. (I totally get symbolism.)
Tea at the Graysons, Victoria is killing Fauxmanda with kindness. But she doesn't waste any time and asks Fauxmanda if she really told Treadwell that Victoria had an affair with David Clarke. She tells Fauxmanda that she doesn't believe that she is actually Amanda Clarke. Victoria asks if she set the fire, Fauxmanda asks if she did. She goes to leave and Victoria commands her to stay. But she doesn't take orders and leaves. Attorney appears and takes Amanda's spoon for DNA so they can see if she really is Amanda Clarke. However, the other DNA test is back...and Conrad is not the father.
Ashley arrives to tell Daniel that Conrad is on his way over as a heads up. She notices the ring and asks if he's going to propose to Emily. Ashley is less than enthusiastic and Daniel asks why she's not her best friend anymore. Ashley supports him.
The attorneys meet again and even though Charlotte is not his daughter, Conrad agrees to not revoke her trust fun. Victoria is grateful. But Conrad is pretty much done with mediation after that. Conrad wants to speak with her in private. He gives her the options 1, she accepts his settlement offer or 2, he tears her through the media about her affair with a known terrorist. Ashley overhears everything.
Jack calls Fauxmanda out on her bitchiness and she confesses that Victoria accused her of burning down Treadwell's house. And Emily even warned her it was going to happen. Nolan creates a distraction so Jack has to leave and Nolan warns her to shut her mouth about Emily and to keep Jack out of the situation.
Charlotte goes to Conrad to thank him once again for helping Declan. She notices that he's upset and asks what Victoria has done this time. Conrad lets her know that he's going to be around less and less and it isn't practical for her to live with him and that she should live with Victoria. She runs out in a tantrum.
Daniel surprises Emily with a candlelight dinner on the deck of the boat where they first met. He thanks her for everything and even though they notice the storm coming in (in your face symbolism) he continues his proposal...in the rain. (Oh Daniel, you're so damn sweet, please don't really die.) Even though it's foreboding, it's adorable. (Big week for proposals in my TV life.) She is overwhelmed, but says yes immediately. Is it real because she actually has fallen for him or is it a yes because she still needs him in her scheme? Or somewhere along the line have the two merged? And they kiss in the rain. I do miss summer rain storms on the East Coast...
They arrive back at Grayson Manor and announce their engagement to Victoria. She's startled but touched that they came to her first. She extends an olive branch and expresses her icy congratulations.
At the bar, Ashley arrives and Nolan notices she's visibly upset. Ashley confesses that she ditched Emily to show loyalty to Victoria and it was probably a giant mistake. She reveals to Nolan and Jack that Emily and Daniel are engaged. Nolan is surprised, Jack is visibly upset and Fauxmanda is across the bar rejecting advances from a handsome stranger.
Daniel goes to Conrad to announce his engagement. Conrad thinks it's a scheme for Daniel to get his share of the company but Daniel tries to appeal to the romantic side and that's why he proposed. Conrad pours his heart out about his heartbreak over his divorce and her affair with David and her big secret. Daniel inquires, but he encourages him to ask his mother.
Charlotte arrives at Emily's looking for Daniel. Charlotte is confused as to why her Dad kicked her out. And then she realizes that Emily just got engaged to her brother and Charlotte is thrilled because she's always wanted a sister. Oh Charlotte, sweet Charlotte.
Victoria's attorney arrives and Fauxmanda's DNA matches Charlotte's DNA so they are indeed half-sisters. (Huh?) He's about to resign when Victoria fires her.
Upstairs from the bar, Jack discovers handsome stranger going through Fauxmanda's stuff and stealing all of Treadwell's tapes. He tries to stop him but the stranger kicks the shit out of him.
Nolan arrives at Emily's and tells him that Jack was beaten up. Emily blames Victoria but Nolan assures her that it's Emily's fault and chastises her for so much collateral damage. He congratulates her on her engagement.
Under a pier, Emily meets up with Victoria's attorney who, as it turns out, has been working for Emily all along. She asks what happened as she told him that Jack was off limits but he tells her Victoria got to Jack, not him. In a flashback, the attorney tells Emily that he was loyal to her father. He switched the DNA sample to prove to Victoria that Fauxmanda was Amanda. He warns her that she's in over her head and he's out now because Victoria fired him.
Emily goes to visit Jack who is badly injured and apologizes quietly to him while he sleeps. Is that guilt? Are you feeling guilty, Emily? She finds Fauxmanda and tells her the truth that the Graysons framed her father and are the guilty ones in everything. (I thought she already knew all of this?) She reveals her plan to Fauxmanda and tells her that now she and Jack are both in danger and they both need to get the hell out of town before something worse happens. Fauxmanda still cares deeply. Emily gives her a new phone and papers but Fauxmanda doesn't want to leave Jack. Emily says she'll take care of it.
Daniel goes to Victoria and asks her what the big secret is. Victoria is scared to tell him but he coaxes it out of her and she tells him that Charlotte is, in fact, not Conrad's daughter...David Clarke is. Which theoretically...would that mean Daniel is now engaged to his half-sister's sister? Ew. But Daniel comforts her as she implies that David raped her. Wow...a new low.
The next day on the beach, Emily comes to see Nolan to tell him that Fauxmanda has finally gone. Nolan is still pissy though. She's not stopping her plan but after what happened to Jack, she wants to pause and regroup so that no one else gets help. Maybe there's a better way to level Victoria than to marry her son. She's going to break off the engagement. Nolan is impressed.
Declan is caring for Jack and has the unfortunate task of letting him know that Fauxmanda has gone. (Yay, a use for Declan) As Jack's melting down, the camera sees one tape that stranger left under his bed. At home, Victoria puts the stolen tapes in the safe. Charlotte arrives back home but has no interest in a reconciliation with Victoria. She flashes back to when she found out she was pregnant which happened to be the night that they had David arrested and her immediate regrets about the situation. Apparently she and Conrad were on the outs but that night she asked him back.
Emily goes to end her engagement with Daniel. Before she can, he tells her about Conrad not being Charlotte's father...David Clarke is. Emily asks if Charlotte knows but she's clearly the only one in the dark. Daniel tells Emily that David Clarke raped Victoria. Emily is floored at the new low and suddenly there is new life in her revenge plan. The engagement is on, she sets the wedding date for June and Victoria is going DOWN!
At the suburbs weirdest charity event, Tessa and Lisa lament how there is just no privacy. Even though 'Rock Lobster' is blaring and everyone is dancing but the two of them, they still managed to be disgusted at the announcement of the Davenports daughter getting her first period and everyone cheering. Ew. We do learn, however, that Scott Strauss is now officially Tessa's new boyfriend.
Tessa bonds with her new gay best friend, Mr. Wolfe. He tells her that he's enjoying his new relationship but feels like he's being spied on. Tessa agrees and tells him they should go out in another community.
Lisa's Dad (I love Chris Parnell) raffles off the big prize of the night, an all expense paid trip to Atlantic City. The big winner? George! Noah is annoyed but George invites him along. Fred invites himself along for a 'guys weekend' and the local gays who aren't gay, Tom and Alex, decide to join too. Fred lies to Sheila and tells her he has to go visit his favorite dying Aunt so he can go.
As George leave Tessa alone for the first time, he warns her to not get all Risky Business up in the house but she assures him it will be more like Little House on the Prairie. George still panics but Tessa reminds him that safety is why they moved there in the first place. As soon as George leaves, she summons new bf Scott to join her.
The boys do the slo-mo walk to Cypress Hill (Awesome). The 5 of them settle in to the all star suite hangover style. Fred reveals that he has a gambling addiction and he starts to freak out and they all vow to prevent him from gambling but Fred shows them all the money he brought to gamble. They talk him down even if he's a little volatile about it.
Lisa helps Tessa pick out her seduction outfit. Lisa gives Tessa her homemade 'love box' but Tessa wants it to just be a makeout session. Lisa lets her know that Scott, the older guy, is gonna wanna get crazy sexual.
In the casino, Fred is trying his hardest to fight his gambling urge and tries to scare George about Tessa thinking about how she's alone. George thinks about himself at Tessa's age and calls Dallas to check in on Tessa for him. Dallas tells George to trust her and doesn't want to be put in a difficult spot but she agrees to casually check in. Sheila, who's with Dallas, is suspicious that Fred is with George. In Atlantic City, they run into Steven, Dallas' husband. George asks why Dallas thinks he's in Singapore. George threatens George to keep his lie going and tell Dallas that he is in fact in Singapore and not in Atlantic City with a beautiful companion. It makes George realize how anxious Tessa was to get rid of George and decides to go home. But he's lost Fred...
Tessa has Scott over. Scott tells Tessa all about Africa and he constantly rebuts her advances to talk more about Africa. Dallas pops by and Tessa calls her out on spying on him for George. When George calls, Dallas assures him that everything was on the up and up and she really liked her boyfriend. George flips out and decides he should go home. Tom, Alex and Noah beg him not to go. Fred has bet everything including his pants and is in a downward spiral. The strippers/prostitutes that Noah ordered arrive as Fred admits he's won $14,000.00 and Sheila is going to flip out.
Tessa doesn't understand why Scott doesn't why to make out. He tells her that since he got back from Africa, he likes to take things really slow and be grown up. He witnessed a childbirth and since then his libido has been a little...salted?
Fred is trying to figure out ways to hang himself in the bathroom as Noah and George try to talk him down, literally. They encourage him to donate all the money to charity. His suicide attempt fails. Steven Royce arrives to save the day and has Fred look in the mirror and to realize he's a good person and he can become a better person. Unfortunately, his speech inspires the prostitutes/strippers to do the same and they leave.
George and Noah lament about their failed boys weekend at the bar. George decides to wait to go home so Tessa knows he trusts her. She's waiting for him on the couch and is thrilled when he gets home. She's so impressed that he trusted her and she assures him that she is worthy of it.
Fred arrives home and is ready to confess but Sheila had a 'feeling' that his Aunt died. Fred tells her that they inherited $14,000.00 and Sheila is overjoyed. See? Lying makes everybody win.
George looks in Tessa's room and finds Lisa's love box filled with condoms and seduction tools and is mortified.
Our favorite white trash family is back and turns out? Hope is a genius! At least she mastered the shapes 2.5 years before Jimmy ever did. He was always more interested in sugar.
Jimmy likes to brag at work about what a genius Hope is. Sabrina tells him that her Dad was always threatened by how smart Sabrina was. Jimmy gets worried...at some point soon, Hope will be smarter than him.
Virginia and Burt tell Jimmy he can embrace that he doesn't come from the smartest gene pool. Hope just has the fortune of having half a gene pool from someone really smart.
Jimmy decides to go back to school to get his GED but the teacher turns out to be one of his least favorite HS teachers when he dropped out to be a famous artist like Ed Hardy.
The teacher recognizes him immediately as his goth persona, Drakkar Noir. The teacher takes pleasure in using Jimmy as an example of what a failure is. Jimmy asks him to stop but the teacher (the lovable Fred Willard) is enjoying it too much.
Jimmy thinks about asking Sabrina to tutor him but his parents tell him it's a bad idea. "Girls like guys who are dumb and handsome, not really dumb and pleasant looking. And we have worked REALLY hard to keep Sabrina from finding out how stupid you are." Jimmy realizes how often he relies on his parents even when they give him the wrong answer. Insert hilarious caper/capers mix-up scene here. Whenever Sabrina says something smart to him, he uses the phone to call his parents, a human Google machine so they can look it all up for him on the internet. They try and quiz him on math but they're too dumb to even come up with a question. They turn to Maw Maw who for an instant is a math genius.
In the bedroom, Virginia wants Burt to come watch a stupid show with her but she catches him reading one of Jimmy's textbooks to try to get smarter. Virginia isn't havin it as she refuses to become the stupidest of the 3. So she warns him to "Put down the book and go watch TV. And nothing smart, no PBS and no NBC sitcoms." Jimmy finds them and they think they should all get their GED but that won't work because then Jimmy will be the dumbest one again.
Back at school, all 3 Chances are now there and Burt and Virginia also remember the teacher they hated when they dropped out when Virginia got knocked up with Jimmy. And he, of course, remembers them too. He's in heaven. Burt and Jimmy compete in the class but they all give nothing but stupid answers and it becomes clear that need a tutor...Sabrina. Jimmy confesses how stupid they really he is but she tells him to stop being so hard on himself. Burt turns to Barney but instead finds Frank. Virginia finds lucid Maw Maw so they all have tutors. They all work hard and are doing well but they're still not the brightest. Sabrina tries practical learning, Frank teaches Burt to picture movies and Maw Maw teaches Virginia through song. It works and they all begin to learn.
They all get ready to take the test to see who is the smartest. Hope is the only one that passes and they all fail. But they realize that Hope may truly be a genius or they're all just real idiots.
They're all chatting around the table and realize, even though they failed, they all learned something and between the 3 of them they can make up one smart person who can teach Hope, like a learning A-Team. Their first duty as the A-Team is to stick it to their HS teacher by having Jimmy pass the GED. Since each of them was good at one thing, they all put Jimmy's name on the section they were good at. And it worked and he gets a 90% to get his GED and his parents get the lowest scores ever on the GED. Jimmy puts "Chance Family" on his diploma as Hope writes E=MC2 on the refrigerator with baby magnets.
Ok, Glee, when you open with "Summer Nights," I'm sold. Sam and Mercedes describe their summer fling in classic Danny/Sandy style. I don't even feel guilty for blarin it while my show tune hating roommate was home.
(Sidenote...what was the big controversy about Chord Overstreet not returning this season? He missed like 3 episodes and has been on every other one. I'm confused...)
Anyways, Becky begins by narrating the episode in a British accent checking out all the dudes in the school, deciding that Artie is the one for her. She looks to Sue for guidance and she advises her just to ask him out even though she thinks Becky can do better.
Emma bonds with Coach Beast and finds out that Beast and Cooter eloped and got married over Christmas Break. Sue is ready to explode but she offers her heartfelt congratulations. Emma is happy for her but expresses her sadness that Will doesn't want to marry her. Sue, oddly enough, encourages her to propose to him. She sings "Will" backed up by Beast and Sue while she fantasizes about her wedding with him. Adorbs! Turns out her subconscious song may have been out loud a little bit and she accidentally proposes to Will. She's horrified but he's delighted. He goes to share it with the Glee club and asks them for help to make the proposal perfect and assigns them to come up with a 'proposal number.'
Sam stalks Mercedes trying to figure out why she prefers her current boyfriend to him. Mercedes assures him that they were just a summer fling and she's with Shane now.
Artie asks Sugar to work on a number with him but she mistakes it for an invitation for a date. She rejects/insults him. Becky arrives and asks him out.
Sam asks Coach Beast if he can join the basketball team. Beast tells him that they're full but suggests that there is an opening on the synchronized swimming team. It's weird, but it provides him with shirtless scenes so I'm on board! The coach, who medaled in Bejing in individual synchronized swimming, is happy he's on board and just gives him the 'golden rule' no peeing in the pool. Sam is happy though because it will get him a letterman's jacket. Sam gets slushied anyway. Mercedes helps him but Shane pulls her away. Leering glance...
Artie discourages Will from doing a sappy love ballad as he and Chang (with the sweet dance moves) encourage him to use his Moves Like Jagger/Jumpin' Jack Flash mashup. I hate the Maroon 5 song, cute number though. Becky is there to cheer Becky on but Will can't use it because he'll be sweaty and Emma hates dirt. Artie agrees to go out with Becky.
Finn helps Will shop for a ring and Shu asks him to be his best man. Finn is overwhelmed and agrees. Finn confesses that he's been thinking about his future and met with an Army recruiter as he thinks that might be his best option. Will is supportive but concerned.
Rachel, Santana, Mercedes and Tina grill Mr. Schuester for information before they can prepare their number. Will flashes back to when he met Emma and the First Time he saw her face. (Performance. Out of the park, gals!) Rachel also thinks back when she first saw Finn, Tina thinks about Chang, Santana thinks about Brittany, Mercedes thinks about...Sam. The passion overwhelms Mercedes who admits that she was only thinking about Sam.
Will invites over Emma's conservative parents to ask their permission to marry Emma. Her dad (Ralph Mouth) refuses. They just think she's too much of a freak and Will won't be able to handle it.
The Glee Club intervenes with Artie and asks him what he's doing with Becky. They think it's nice that he's being kind to her but he shouldn't lead her on. Artie gets defensive. The Glee Club seems to talk a good game about how hard it is to be different but they're just like everyone else. And the truth is, he genuinely likes Becky.
Finn walks in to an intervention of his own with Will, Emma, his mom and Kurt's Dad about the Army. Burt would really like Finn to take over his shop will Burt is in DC (I forgot he was elected) but Finn wants to live up to his war hero father's image. Finn's mom reveals that even though his dad was a good guy, he didn't die a war hero like she told him. The war seemed to have broken him. He had a drug problem when he got home and he wound up overdosing. Finn does not take the news well.
Artie realizes he's in over his head when Becky sends him a naked text message. He goes to Sue for advice. Sue, uncharacteristically, gives Artie good advice and tells him to treat her like a real person and be honest with him. Thankfully, she works in a few last minute insults before he leaves.
At home, Will arrives as Emma is taking down the Christmas tree. Emma confronts him and asks him if he wants her to be his wife. And he does but her parents got in his head. What will she do if their baby spits up on her? She tells him she's doing the best she can with meds and all but Will thinks it may be hopeless. Emma tearfully says she'll try but she can't promise she'll be cured. So she tells Will that he has to be honest with himself and what he wants and the sooner the better.
At Breadstix, Finn, Curt and Rachel lament about their 'future' problems. They drown their sorrow in cheesecake. Performance by Rachel (Without You by Usher) to Finn. And so true. At 17, doesn't the future seem so hopeless with all it's opportunity. Sure when you're in your 30's it all seems so simple but at that point in your life it's awful. But Finn sees his future in front of him, it's Rachel. He rewards her performance with a big sloppy kiss. He considers all of his choices and goes to see Emma but Sam has one last idea before he does.
Will goes to her office and asks for her hand. As she walks down the hall she is handed roses from everyone she walks by...even Sue. He leads her to the pool where Sam has the synchronized swim team and the Glee team do a huge number to Rhianna's "We Found Love." Shu, in a white tuxedo dives into the pool and swims to Emma and tells her regardless of her imperfections, she's the one. And he proposes. She says yes. And I cried...because I'm a 9 year old girl.
Artie tries to let Becky down easy but she's heartbroken. It's hard to be her but she refuses to let anyone see her cry. But when she goes to Sue, Sue lets her cry and the two drown the sorrow in ice cream and watch Lifetime Television for Ovaries. Sue takes her hand and says they'll get through it together.
Finn is still lamenting over the truth about his father and tells Rachel all about him. He admits he's nervous but she's confused. He pours out his heart to her...and...proposes!!!
Don't do it, Rachel!!!!!
The worst has happened...Marshall and Lily have officially relocated to the suburbs. A tragedy, as Ted puts it, only as bad as "when they cancelled Party of Five for the second time...uh, I mean when they cancelled...sports." Through their sadness, Barney, takes over as 'leader of the gang.' A point he promptly cements when he sings the theme song and adapts it all to himself.
Even though Lily was overjoyed at her father's arrival, he has overstayed his welcome and Lily and Marshall have about had it. Marshall doesn't get cell reception in his room and he can't talk to Ted which is weird because they haven't 'not talked' since Marshall spent his semester abroad. (Semester abroad = across campus) Lily's dad arrives and his unfortunate timing pushes Marshall over the edge and he loses it on him and tells him he wants him to leave the next day as they don't need his help.
The gang + Kev sits in the bar refusing to sit in Lily and Marshall's seats. Barney wants everyone to move on and Kev reluctantly agrees with him. Barney wants them to all go out and do something they could never do with Marshall and Lily. That something turns out to be going to a strip club. Since Robin and Kev are still in "early relationship chicken" and say yes to everything they wind up going with them.
At the strip club, Robin winds up buying Kev a lap dance as they're still both afraid to show each other they're 'not cool.' Kev hates it and Robin hates it but they keep on with the 'chicken' even though they're both miserable.
Ted leaves Marshall another voicemail. Barney tells him to stop being such a little bitch and enjoy the strippers...and it's Lily's doppelganger...Stripper Lily! Or as Barney calls her "Better Lily." He buys ted a lap dance from her which Ted is greatly uncomfortable with.
Another round of the opening credits with Stripper Lily and 'new Marshall' aka giant Russian mobster, in there.
After blowing a fuse, Marshall and Lily are a little freaked out and her dad greatly enjoys it as he knows where the fuse box is and how to fix the problem so he decides to taunt them via intercom. Mickey taunts Marshall 'Silence of the Lambs' style as Marshall walks through the completely black house trying to find the fuse box. Mickey warns Marshall to watch the second step on the way down to the basement but Marshall falls all the way down anyway.
Barney's new best friends, Stripper Lily and New Marshall lead them all to an illegal, back alley, Russian mob poker game which Ted cleans up! The Russians are none too pleased but Ted is greatly enjoying his streak. New Marshall protects them but they decide that it's time to go. They invite them to a party in a slaughterhouse. In their heads Robin and Barney are dying to not go but Ted really wants to go so they all go. They tell them that it's $200 a pop cover charge because it's a "New York Yankees/Coca Cola" party. Ted pays immediately. Better Lily and New Marshall go in to the party and leave them outside. Robin thinks they've been robbed but Ted refuses to believe them. Flashback to them protecting them at the poker game where in Russian, New Marshall assures the others that he will rob them later. Face it, they miss Lily and Marshall and how they've lost their friends. Ted refuses to let it happen and decides to load everyone on the train to travel the 46 minutes to see them. Kev breaks the game of chicken and they come clean as Kev says no to going and visiting Marshall and Lily.
Marshall regrets moving to the suburbs. Lily confronts her dad as to why he's messing with them and why he's not just helping them. So he does and walks Marshall through the basement through the dark step by step and Marshall fixes the fuse box.
The next morning Marshall and Lily wake up and Ted, Barney and Robin are there. Lily's dad makes them all breakfast. He apologizes to Lily and tells her that he'll leave after breakfast but Lily tells him to stay. The gang realize that even though they wouldn't always be at the bar in their booth, they would still always be the 5 of them.
Although, I can't agree. Unfortunately, things do change. As people couple off, get married, have kids, it isn't the same. It's really sad but that's life. The show ended on a happy note but we all know the truth. Future Ted is telling this story thinking back on the happiest times of his life with his pseudo post-college family. So even though they're all in each others lives still, it isn't the same. :(
